In an intimate relationship, feelings are more important than facts

Let’s look at the scene first:

Hubby came home from work, saw his wife, excited and wife said: “Today the competent leader and I said, the company may promote me at the end of the year, democratic voting plus performance, comprehensive evaluation.”

Wife casually said: “You are so bad, democratic voting certainly not.”

Hubby said angrily, “How do you know I’m not well liked?”

Wife retorted, “You usually always quarrel with me, how can you have a good relationship with your colleagues?”

Hubby stopped talking and went back to his room in a huff.

In fact, such a scene is very common in our lives, the wife said “the truth” – often quarrel with her, so she deduced that “her husband is not good”, but the problem is that even if her husband’s interpersonal relations in the unit is almost, it may not fail the democratic assessment. But the problem is, even if the husband in the unit of interpersonal relations is not good, it may not be unable to pass the democratic assessment, because interpersonal relations are not good, there are other possibilities, for example, usually not good at expressing, it seems that the relationship is not close enough, but it does not affect the colleagues of the recognition of his work, or his work is too serious, resulting in individual colleagues do not like him, but this does not mean that other colleagues also do not like him, and so on.

More importantly, when the husband shared the news with his wife, the wife ignored the husband’s feelings.

The two of them are communicating, but too much emphasis on the “facts”, so that the husband would like to be recognized the feelings of the hard repression, which is the husband even more angry place.

Edward E. Jones, a famous psychologist, emphasized in his book “The Truth About Marriage” that there is no stereotypical truth about marriage, and that only one’s own feelings are real.

In other words, partners need to focus more on the emotional level of communication between them, which is conducive to the maintenance of the relationship.

In today’s post, we’ll talk about why feelings are more important than communication itself in intimate relationships.

1. Don’t measure each other with your own yardstick

Famous counselor Amos Tversky said,“If, for example, you desire to understand each other, you must learn to let go of your coordinate system and try to enter the other person’s coordinate system, which is the only way to achieve mutual understanding.”

In other words, partners should not argue about who is right and who is wrong at home because everyone’s coordinate system or standard of judgment is different and home is the place where feelings are spoken, where feelings are dealt with primarily, and where understanding and accepting each other’s feelings is at the core.

Just like the wife mentioned earlier, she is using her coordinate system to speculate, guess, evaluate, and even attack each other, in fact, to prove that “I am right, you are wrong”, and such communication is a power struggle.

Many people complain that they can’t understand what is going on with their partner, but in the end, they are not concerned about the feelings of the other party, not standing in the other party’s point of view to understand each other.

2. Feelings in communication are far more important than facts

As I said earlier, the reason why many partners argue is mainly because each other are sticking to their own evaluation standards, unwilling to stand in the other’s point of view to understand and accept each other’s feelings.

During this time, the mistakes that are often made are:

First, the habit of speculation.

Many partners get along for a long time, they will feel that they especially understand each other, “I know what he wants to say when he opens his mouth”, which is possible, but it can also happen that the subjective speculation, which may not be the case.

Secondly, they like to evaluate.

Many partners like to evaluate each other, for example is to praise, the purpose is to give themselves a sense of control, the opposite of praise is to criticize, the purpose is also to control each other. Just like the example mentioned earlier, the wife “evaluated” her husband as a person who is not popular, the purpose is also to prove that “my judgment is right”, and then want to control each other.

The purpose of power struggle is a kind of control.

The third is to come up with ideas.

It is human nature to want to be the teacher of others, and that is a sign of competitiveness, which can also be a problem in communication between partners.

The other side of the “problem”, the other side is busy giving their own ideas and opinions, in fact, the other side may not want to “problem” solution, and in fact, the other side more often than not with the help of “problem” to vent their emotions. In fact, the other party is more often than not using the “problem” to vent their emotions.

From this point of view, whether we communicate with our partners, or communicate with other people, do not easily “ideas”, it is best to wait until the other party to indicate the intention, and then say their own ideas. Because the opinions or suggestions we give are still based on our own coordinate system, it is difficult to truly understand the feelings of the other party.

In addition, some partners are eager to “ideas” may be good intentions, but this “good intentions” is not what the other party wants, or that is, “communication feelings” is the purpose of communication between partners. The purpose of communication between partners is most of the time to communicate with each other.

3. Communication of feelings is the most important thing in an intimate relationship.

The most important thing about communication between partners is not what happens, but how the other person feels.

Only by feeling what the other person is feeling can you truly fulfill the other person’s psychological needs.

First, let the other person finish their sentence.

Partners are prone to power struggles, and this time if each other can be calm and cool, let the other party to finish the sentence, you can understand each other’s feelings to a certain extent, do not jump to conclusions, and do not rush “ideas”, wait a minute, let the other party to finish the sentence.

Here, many partners argue, it is difficult to let the other party to finish, because in their view, only listen to the other party to say, they do not speak, they lose, in fact, there is no real winner of the quarrel between partners, so, realize the above problem, try to let the other party to finish, see what happens next, may be a better choice.

Secondly, try to start your sentences with “I”.

In order to better understand the other person’s feelings, we often use “I” to start our speech, so as to avoid the feeling of judgment, or good for nothing.

For example, in the previous example, if the wife can start with “I” and say, “I’m worried about your democratic assessment session ah”, so that the other party will ask “why”, and then take the initiative to ask the wife to give some advice. The wife to give some advice, then this communication will not appear quarrel.

Change the habit of speaking, more to “I” at the beginning, in favor of the development of mutual relations.

Again, open your heart and communicate with each other sincerely.

In fact, quarrels between partners is a kind of defense, such as quarrels in the anger is to protect their own narcissism; resentment is in order to get each other’s attention, and so on, when we let go of these defenses, with their own real and each other to communicate, the other side will also feel our real.

Just like the husband mentioned earlier, if he can say to his wife, “I told you this news because I want to get your approval, but your denial makes me hurt”, then his wife will definitely realize that what she said hurt her husband, otherwise she would still think that what she said is “the truth”. Otherwise, she would still think that what she said was “the truth”, so why would the other person be upset.

It takes courage to open up like this, because it means showing weakness and worrying that the other person will look down on you, but don’t forget that a good partner will be able to tolerate the other person with his love and understand him, so give your partner a chance to understand himself.

As Amos Tversky says, “The key to having real intimacy, to having a real link with your lover, is to go through the protective layers of the mind.”

In the end, communicating with your partner and focusing on feelings is all about achieving a sense of linkage between your true self and your true self, and this is the path of self-improvement that we cultivate with the help of our partner and romance.

2 thoughts on “In an intimate relationship, feelings are more important than facts

  1. Emotions are such a crucial part of life, and this article reminds me to cherish my feelings and share more love with family and friends.

  2. This article touched my heart deeply. The author brilliantly delved into the complexity and challenges of emotions.

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