Why is it so difficult to understand a partner?

01

Why is it so hard to understand your partner?

Some people may not question why their partner’s words and actions do not match.
Imagine that you are in the middle of a forest and you do not perceive the forest, this is because you only notice all the trees around you.
If you look close, then what is far away is blurred at best, and not seen at all at worst.
Psychologically, this is “hiding in plain sight”.
You have to turn from side to side to catch a glimpse of what is hidden. And even then, “adjusting” your perspective will only allow you to see those things that might “show up” (and those that won’t). (and the things that don’t want to “show up” may not be able to be seen by “adjusting” your perspective).
Back to life, why is it so hard to understand your partner?
This is because many people tend to keep their deeper thoughts and feelings to themselves.
Perhaps it’s because they want to avoid conflict; after all, subconsciously, any discord brings back memories of resentful, abusive behavior from their upbringing.
Perhaps it’s because trust issues have not been resolved and they have difficulty sharing, and who knows if what they share will be used by the other person to attack them?
I will go into more detail once I understand the key barriers to partner communication.

02

10 Ways to “Miss” Your Partner

To be precise, these blind spots are all around you.
1. You idealize your partner and are blind to their flaws.
Especially when you’re in a relationship and your partner has a crush on you, you may underestimate their character flaws or even ignore them.
As the old saying goes, “Love makes you blind.” After falling in love, you may not be able to look at your lover objectively because you can’t emotionally distance yourself when necessary to see them for who they are.

2. You may believe everything your partner says.
This also falls under the category of idealizing your partner, only on a deeper level. You may be reluctant to question what they say to you, even though what they say doesn’t match their outward behavior.

3. you didn’t receive help or support from your provider growing up and may unconsciously think they made up for it.
By rationalizing (or what is often called “motivated reasoning”), you may delude yourself into believing that there are things your parents didn’t give you that the person in front of you is willing to give you for free.
Even if they don’t show this superior level of care, you may fabricate evidence to overly favor their motives and overly praise their behavior. 4.

4. you may be blind to signals that reflect what is actually happening.
Unless, of course, they are clearly communicating with you.
Otherwise, people who are desperate to see their partner in a certain light often miss important signals.
For example, your partner may be seriously considering divorce.
However, if they don’t make it clear that they don’t expect the marriage to survive, or if you’re too fearful of the termination of the marriage (which is mostly ego-related) and your partner is unable to communicate with you about it, you may be oblivious to your partner’s determination to divorce until a piece of paper is served in front of you.

5. What you cannot accept about yourself may be projected onto your partner for no apparent reason.
Even though we don’t realize it, defenses are still our instinct to protect our fragile selves.
Therefore, when you begin to feel anxious about conflict in your relationship, it’s easy to go into a pattern of anger and blaming your partner, rather than recognizing and confessing your impact on relationship disharmony.
In addition, when you self-righteously blame your partner for your wrongdoings, you see yourself as a victim and deny the harm you may have caused your partner, unwilling to take any responsibility for it.

6. When you are stuck in unresolved trauma from the past, you unconsciously see your partner as a phantom of past threats.
How you react to what happens is often solidified by adulthood. As a result, you may have your own interpretation of your partner’s behavior, and your interpretation may not be exactly what they intended.
Subconsciously, you are constantly reminded of your past, which makes it difficult not to misinterpret your partner’s meaning. In some ways, you’re not moving on from the past, and those negative and sensitive views can creep into your relationship unnoticed and wreak havoc.

7. You may misinterpret your partner’s behavior, but this is based on your own, not their, mental activity.
Sometimes a partner may have qualities that you have not seen before. These are so alien to your framework of experience that you have difficulty understanding them and may feel confused as a result.
However, it’s natural to think good or bad, we all create meaning for things in reality that are beyond our own eyes.
That said, your conclusions are likely to be arbitrary and even biased. Instead of it being their thoughts, it should be your own.

8. you may not be psychologically minded and view your partner in an overly naive or myopic way.
Despite the fact that you show your thoughts, your partner doesn’t act the way you think is appropriate, and you can’t identify what exactly is the factor that keeps your partner from listening to you.
For example, if you think they can get a job and help the family out of their financial difficulties, but they refuse to do so, their passivity may have nothing to do with laziness (which may be your own simplistic explanation for his behavior), but rather with an excessive fear of rejection or failure, and yet they still don’t take action.
Moreover, your inability to reconcile their anxiety, coupled with the fact that you may have expressed disparagement towards them in the past, may make them reluctant to share the concerns in their mind with you.

9. You may incorrectly blame yourself for your partner’s failures if you are chronically self-doubting.
This entry contrasts with the previous point that your partner’s shortcomings may unconsciously remind you of your own.
If this is the case, you may have trouble seeing through to the essence, and instead mistakenly believe that this proves how much of a failure you are. Ironically, the more you think that you, rather than your partner, have problems, the more you actually end up with those problems (“reverse projection”).
This is even more likely to happen if your partner blames you for their failures; after all, they themselves are neither willing to admit nor accept their failures.
Finally, reverse the phenomenon:

10. a partner who carries a strong defense of reverse formation may unconsciously mask true feelings.
Reverse formation is a defense mechanism that leads people to hide their true feelings and avoid pain by suppressing them.
Your partner would have been upset by fear or shame, but this counterintuitive self-protection mechanism camouflages their feelings, forcing them to act in ways that are contrary to their feelings, thus masking the true feelings.
Thus, your partner may be psychologically ashamed of the need to be dependent, and in reality often says he is independent (without taking action to prevent you from doing things for him).

03

How to Perceive and Eliminate Difficult Blind Spots
Whereas the previous literature on personal blind spots has focused almost entirely on how to solve them, this article is concerned with enabling the reader to better understand their universality, although this is somewhat of a compromise.
Nevertheless, in order to give this article a phoenix tail, it is important to summarize and list some of the popular solutions.
If you have identified the problems associated with the previous article, you can selectively take the following steps:

1. Review the past.
Evaluate, understand, and attempt to correct the cognitive preconceptions that are clouding your vision, often with biased overtones.
2. instead of accusing your partner of malice, or that they are intentionally doing something wrong, ask them why they are engaging in the behaviors that are frustrating or disappointing to you.
3. pay more attention to your partner’s non-verbal behaviors (e.g., breathing patterns and body language), understand what they mean, and analyze how they disguise their words.
4. lower your defenses by making them feel safer in the relationship as much as possible.
Only then will they be able to open up more to you. 5.
5. Ask them about their upbringing, especially how they were treated by their provider.
The fact that they can be confused, distant from you, and exhibit aggressive passive-aggression may indicate that they are still suffering from some form of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Finally, if your blind spots seem insurmountable, consider contacting a professional who can help you identify and dispel misleading concepts.

3 thoughts on “Why is it so difficult to understand a partner?

  1. Full of hope and positivity, this article serves as a reminder to approach everything in life with love and gratitude.

  2. This article has given me the motivation to reconsider my own emotions and relationships. It’s highly thought-provoking.

  3. Emotions are incredibly rich and diverse, and this article presents them vividly. I admire its depth and substance.

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