How do you handle sexual rejection between partners?


“How to say no to sex”

Have you ever had such an experience:

It’s late at night, you’re lying in bed with Ta, you’re feeling aroused, and Ta is not on the same channel as you and coldly pushes you away: I’m a little tired tonight, some other time.

You can’t help but be a little angry “Am I not attracted to Ta anymore?”

Or maybe it’s like this:

You just want to sleep, but Ta’s hands and feet are restless ……

You don’t know how to refuse, you can only gently push Ta away: I’m a bit tired tonight.

Ta gets angry, and you get angry: “I didn’t mean to.”

This is a strong daily conflict that almost all couples couples are not immune to.

Today we will talk about, how to deal with sexual rejection between partners?

01.Sexual rejection is common among partners

After the initial period of passionate love, one of the most destructive conflicts between partners is the difference in sexual desire, i.e., the difference between the two partners in terms of frequency of sex, type of preference, and level of desire for sex.

The prevalence of differences in sexual desire leads to sexual rejection becoming commonplace, which triggers negative emotions such as obvious frustration and hurt.

One study found that cohabiting partners were less satisfied with the relationship and less sexually satisfied when their sexual wishes were rejected by the other partner rather than accepted. This decrease in satisfaction lasted up to two days later.

Self-image and self-esteem are more threatened when sexual rejection comes from a partner rather than a stranger.

Between partners, sex is never just sex; it represents important feelings of attraction, self-worth, and even being loved.

Once rejected, many people will tend to self-doubt, “Does Ta find me unattractive,” “Does Ta not love me anymore,” “Does Ta have a mistress out there” ……

Also, partners are monogamous and totally dependent on each other to fulfill their sexual needs.

If sexual rejection is a regular occurrence, the partner who is always rejected has a dilemma.

Unsatisfied within the relationship, and unable to go outside the relationship to find it. This dissatisfaction builds up over time and can seriously damage the relationship and may also lead to cheating.

While rejection can certainly be damaging, forcing yourself to cater to it is not an option either.

The hit American TV show, Mrs. America, has a scene like this.

The wife, played by Cate Blanchett, comes home from a long day of running around, and before she even has time to change her dirty clothes, she is put in her husband’s arms and forcefully kissed. She is tired and verbally pushes back, but her husband doesn’t let go.

Due to her husband’s authority, she can only cooperate. But the whole process, as if she was suffering.

02. It’s not the sexual refusal that hurts the other person but the way of refusal

Psychologist JamesKing did a series of investigations on many partners found that it is not the sexual rejection that causes harm, but the way the sexual rejection is expressed.

Sexual rejection can generally be divided into four categories:

a. Reassuring rejection

While expressing refusal, it also shows positive concern for the partner’s needs.

The standard process is to explain why you don’t want to have sex and assure the partner that your love and desire for them hasn’t changed; then offer other forms of physical contact, such as kissing and hugging and touching, and promise to make it up to them next time.

b. Hostile refusal

Rejection is expressed negatively and is (deliberately) hurtful. Feeling disappointed and disgusted by your partner’s sexual advances.

Example: when your boyfriend asks you for sex, you look disgusted: “You behaved so poorly last night, and you have the nerve to do it again.”

c. Arbitrary refusal

Explaining the reasons to your partner in a clear and direct manner, but not trying to find ways to appease your partner’s negative feelings.

For example, “I’m not in the mood, I’m going to bed.” While honest, there is no regard for the partner’s feelings.

d. Deflective Rejection

Turning a blind eye to your partner’s wishes and using nonverbal behavior to avoid them.

For example, if the other person approaches you, you say nothing but turn away and lie far to the side or pretend to be asleep.

The results of the study found that – a reassuring rejection does not destroy mutual satisfaction with the relationship. And the satisfaction of the rejected partner increases compared to the day before. Because they feel that their partner still loves them.

Hostile rejection, on the other hand, leads directly to a decrease in relationship satisfaction, causes harm, and predicts a lower sex drive for both partners in the future.

Arbitrary rejection and avoidant rejection did not have much of an effect on relationship satisfaction, but neither did they enhance the relationship.

Therefore, reassuring rejection is an excellent choice for maintaining satisfaction in the event of inconsistency in sexual desire between partners.

03.How can I keep my relationship together when sexual rejection is a frequent occurrence?

First, normalize rejection and being rejected.

One has to accept that as time progresses, the passion between two people will slowly fade and their sex life will calm down, and it is not possible to be dry every day.

It must also be accepted that you and the other person are different in terms of sexual desires, proclivities, and so on.

There is no need for the rejecting party to feel pressured; each person has autonomy over their own body and rejection is normal.

The person who is rejected also need not take it personally. Being rejected doesn’t mean that one loses one’s attractiveness.

Second, communicate more sexually and less shame.

Research has proven that self-disclosure of sexual preferences is positively correlated with relationship and sexual satisfaction, and that indirect sexual communication and avoidance of discussing sexual topics in the relationship are associated with lower sexual satisfaction between partners.

So, dare to reveal your sexual desires and proclivities with your partner.


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